Open letter to men of Sydney.
[A seven minute read]
Disclaimer: you might be confused why this is published on my blog for event managers.
Well, because it’s a lifestyle blog. And a part of life is dating.
But dating is hard. Like, harder than getting a Dymo to reprint your VIPs name badge.
I share my own experiences in the hope they bring a sense of solidarity and even a smile, because fun is a part of life too.
Dear Men of Sydney,
I am a pretty positive person and believe everyone has goodness in them, somewhere. So I write this with love on behalf of the single women in Sydney.
I have a healthy lifestyle, can cook, a good job (that comes with travel perks), don’t own a cat, am genuinely happy, know how to spell, have dual citizenship, can speak 2.5 languages and even have blonde hair and blue eyes which surely counts for something. Occasionally, people say I am funny too.
I have mostly been single for a few years and I wondered if my country NSW accent was holding me back, except that I know a LOT of other incredibly smart, fit, attractive and interesting ladies who are all in the same non-love boat. At least two of them have posh English accents so that can’t be the problem.
I am even willing to let a man take a spin on my motorbike as a free gift with purchase. But it hasn’t really worked yet.
The struggle is real.
This confuses me.
If love is a battlefield, dating is like MineSweeper. And I am sick of losing.
I have witnessed many friends get excited by a new partner who seems nice, funny, talented and genuine only for him to disappear into the Bermuda/Bondi Triangle a few weeks later.
Or declare after three dates that they aren’t ready for a relationship.
Or are lucky enough to enjoy a night of passion and it melts their brains or something.
Or worse still, ladies become so used to this behaviour that when a man actually replies to a text, they get overexcited and settle for the douchebag they scraped from the bottom of the locally distilled small batch gin barrel.
And this confuses me.
Personally I would rather stay single than compromise my standards and I don’t think any woman (or man for that matter) should have to. I ended up as a doormat once and it was no trip to Messina. Anyway I digress.
I just got back from Melbourne and the men (regardless of their relationship status) spoke to me like a woman. Which is nice because it reminded me I am a woman. After my initial shock, we CONTINUED conversing, and they told me that it is hard to find a nice woman down there. (I mean in Melbourne). I would move in a heartbeat except I am allergic to winter. Sigh.
This further adds to my confusion.
So to summarise (because I heard men like clear and direct communication), I am very confused.
I am not saying all women are angels and men are not. But the ratio of single ladies:single men indicates maybe you are just spoiled for choice and are being selfish by collecting many amazing ladies in your lairs all at once. In turn, some ladies have become either super needy or super independent (what, don’t look at me) and now we have a situation.
I am an ideas woman and like to fix stuff, so naturally I have an epic plan. You are not going to like it, but I implore you to keep reading.
THE EPIC PLAN.
We will tee up a prisoner exchange type deal, luring you and your Sydney friends to Melbourne to be turned back into real gentlemen (maybe we will bribe you with frequent flyer points?) and as a reward for the mentors down south, we send them north to get a tan and enjoy some summer loving. Win-win-win-win.
T.Bull is my neighbour so I pitched him my plan, but he is a bit busy at the mo. Something about an election. Now he won’t return my calls. The irony.
So until a single Melbourne man becomes our next PM (realistically this could happen next week), I write this letter in the hope of improving intergender and interstate relations.
That’s the kind of person I am. So read on.
I am very inquisitive and genuinely curious to better understand the male species. What really goes on behind those beards?
If there is something dealbreakingly wrong with the women of Sydney (is it about the activewear?) please let me know so I can relay it to my people.
We are open to genuine and helpful feedback.
If you are fearful of becoming an Instagram husband, I empathise. But at least 5% of us aren’t like that. My friend Jess didn’t even have an iTunes account until I set one up for her. Fact.
I wonder if we have all become so swept up in a whirlwind romance with technology that sometimes it is hard to remember how to communicate with a real human. So I thought it might be helpful to share a few insights.
> Re: the online dating. If you HONESTLY want to meet a decent lady, don’t include shirtless bathroom selfies or creepy tiger photos to your profile. Or include women that may or may not have once been your girlfriend. On the same note, if you do have a cute nephew, be clear the child is not your own. BTW we have already heard all the Anchorman quotes from all ten movies.
> Behave like a gentleman. My Melbourne plan will become reality soon but I will spare those who read the tips below* and put them into practice. Or those who score well on the below quiz**.
> Women will give you 50 bonus points for approaching them in a social setting. Don’t be afraid she might be married or reject you. She will definitely have a magnificent single friend to reward you with anyway. Even if she acts strange at first, when the shock wears off things will work out I promise.
> It’s really important to love yourself (truly, many women would benefit from learning this) though if you are serious about having a lady friend, you need to reserve a little bit of love for her. (Kanye I am talking to you)
> Please talk to our faces meaningfully and listen with focus. Our chests are not where the talking comes from.
> If things really do fizzle, I know it is easy to ignore a lady and hope she goes away. Or send her the generic “you are awesome but I am not ready” bullsh|t. But remember there is a human on the other end. With feelings. 99% of the time she will be sad but grateful you were honest with the REAL reason and it might prevent her from buying a cat. Be a man and tell the truth.
> So Sydney men, don’t say you weren’t warned. It’s not too late to up your game and the rewards are endless. If you are a gentleman, please come out from your cave and play. **FAIR**.
Me and 50,000 of my lady friends will give you a tickertape parade.
And remember, unless you are ACTUALLY James Bond and on a mission (in which case please write me a letter when you get a chance), you have no excuses for radio silence.
James, if you really are out there, come visit in your helicopter. I promise to never Instagram photos of my shoes whilst holding my açai bowl.
Love from Agent Grace and the women of Sydney.